Wanting More

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately trying to create new and fresh experiences and expressions of worship in my life. It’s been an interesting time.  I’ve also started rereading Praise Habits by David Crowder.  I really appreciate his perspective on creating a lifestyle of worship. I just read this section on page 27 of the book:

“I have tried to develop a habit of having a “quiet time”. Sometimes it would stick. Sometimes it would not. Guilt would be thick when it would not. But for a long period it became what I did first thing every day. It was beauty. The internal joy it brought was overwhelming. Then at some point it went hollow. It’s not that it was a bad idea to form a habit of a quiet time, but the habit had slyly begun to suck the life out of my relationship with God. I had fallen in love with my spirituality rather than with the one whom I sought, and in the end it left me void and wanting. A frightening aspect of habit attached to our spiritual formation is that inherent in the idea of habit is the possibility for meaningless ritual. With the formation of habit there is a subtle abdication of consciousness in our actions. This can twist things that were intended to bring life into cold and empty ritualistic experiences. Indeed we are broken. We do bad things without thinking and when we try to do good things they often end up warped. How can we maintain life in our spiritual formation?”

One of the things that lead to me needing to leave ministry was the exhaustion I was feeling about planning worship services.  Both the planning and leading of the services became such a “cold ritual”. What was suppose to be moving me closer to God had “begun to suck the life out of my relationship with God.” I worked really hard to prevent that by trying to keep things in our services fresh and by making sure I was ready spiritually to lead but I couldn’t do it anymore. The confines of planning worship times for a large group of people who all have their own needs and expectations was too much.

Don’t get me wrong I loved my job. LOVED IT.  I loved trying to create new experiences for us as a congregation and shaping where we were going, I really loved working with and engaging the young people we had involved and I really miss it.  But I became bitter. I felt that I was just a dealer providing junkies an empty ritualistic experience.  (I don’t believe that was true but it was how I felt)

Now I’m thinking through the things I do and things we (universally) do as a church and really trying to examine what has become old and stale (even if it started with right intentions)? What habits or ways of thinking are holding me back from moving closer to God? Or am I just crazy (don’t answer that) and making bigger issues of things that aren’t important?

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Happy Monday

Well it’s early afternoon and I need a coffee.  So while I wait for that to be ready I thought I’d do a quick post about my first day out of (paid) ministry.

So a funny thing. After all the talk in yesterdays post about being free to be myself in church (particularly in the matter of clothing) we didn’t even make it out to church.  Just to follow up of the clothing issue, I have no problem with people dressing up for church. If that’s how someone is most comfortable they should be free to do that. The whole point I was trying to make was that people should be free to come to worship how they are most comfortable. I am glad that I now have that freedom. 

Now today. I am feeling energized. I was up early, spent some quiet time with God and even did a little exercise (just a little).  Besides the usual teaching, this week is dedicated to marketing and organization stuff. Going well. It has to. I was hoping to have most of this done before the end of ’08 but it’s coming along. 

Since I’ll be teaching until well after the kids are in bed I took an extra half hour of this morning to just play and hang with them.  That’s a great way to break up the day.

I spent sometime last night developing the upcoming plans for the blog and hoping to share a bunch of that with you by the end of the week. 

Wherever you are today, my prayer is that you feel alive and in rhythm with the living God.

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Good morning everyone.

So it’s Sunday morning and I’m not busy rushing out the door or getting things ready for this morning. (Still up early but I can’t really help that). I’m really looking forward to going to church with my family this morning. Helping the kids get settled in Sunday school, then picking them up from Sunday school and getting to sit with my wife for an entire service are what I’m most looking forward to.  (The hour drive to the church we’re going to visit today isn’t going to be a highlight but we’ll make do)

Around the house the last few days I’ve also been joking about having the freedom to wear what I choose to when I go to church this morning. At our previous church as staff we had a bit of a dress code. Nothing too strict. Basically no jeans or shorts and to wear a nice shirt. We were never required but would often hear comments from some church members as well as some church leadership and senior staff that wearing a suit is a nice touch.  It was always done in a joking manner. You know those jokes where they say you don’t have to, but at some point you’d really should.

So I’ve been joking wondering if I should wear jeans today (since I can) or even dress up (since I don’t have to). 

Then this morning I’m reading some scripture, Matthew 15 to be exact. It’s the passage where Jesus is talking about how it’s not what a man puts  into his body that defiles him but what comes out.  Jesus also accuses them of breaking the commands of God for their own traditions.  So what I wear to church isn’t making me evil. 

I am not saying my old church put their traditions ahead of the will of God! Not at all. What I am saying is that sometimes as ministry leaders what is expected of us (both real and perceived expectations) in our roles can keep us from having the freedom to come comfortably to church on a Sunday morning.  In order to fulfill the expectations of what the church is suppose to be for a group of people we are unable to be ourselves. 

There were many times that I felt unable to be myself leading worship either because of the songs that I was leading, the expectations of others in my interactions with them and even feeling uncomfortable in my own skin because of what I was wearing. Was I right in feeling that way. I don’t know but that doesn’t change the fact that I did feel I couldn’t totally be myself. I am looking forward to going to church this morning with the freedom of no expectations from anyone but my family. 

My prayer this morning is for all of you leading a ministry, (and it doesn’t matter if it’s worship, preaching or ushering) is that you will have the freedom to be yourself as you meet with God.

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I love the way God works sometimes. (I say sometimes because if we’re honest a He doesn’t always work the way we as humans  think He should, even if His way is best)  I love that no matter where we are at or how much we think we know about Him, He can make Himself new again.  I love the way the most simple passage of scripture, even if we’ve read it numerous times before can be just want we need to hear or read at the right moment. 

On my break earlier this evening I was reading Matthew 13.  It’s the parable of the farmer who planted seeds in various places. (You can read it here) In my current time of change and transition I want to be truly open to God’s leading in every aspect of my life.  I have been praying that He would lead and I’d have the courage and endurance to follow. 

Thankfully I have felt His leading. 

For the last while though I haven’t always been the best at following through to the end with everything.  It’s partly the reality of life and that I feel pulled in every direction.  It’s also partly some destructive behaviours I have  particularly the use of my time and money.  I’ve been praying for a while that God would lead me to a place where my life could be dedicated to a fewer number of things.  A wife and two kids, half time ministry position and then needing to make a living following some very ambitious artistic goals is too many irons in the fire. 

This passage in Matthew is talking about bigger things (specifically the kingdom of heaven) than my struggles but it was also a good kick in the butt. I believe my current transition is an answer to prayer. I believe that God has shown me what He wants my life to look like for the next while (He’s planted a new seed) specifically in the areas of family, career and future areas of service for the kingdom.  I feel like this passage in Matthew is God challenging me to be fertile ground. He has prepared me for these things and is leading me in this direction and I (and I believe God as well) want it to be fruitful, particularly in the area of ministry and building into the lives of others. I may be leaving  ”ministry” (paid anyway) but I feel like I am going to be able to build into the lives of many more non-believers where I’m heading professionally than I ever did working in a church.  That excites me and I pray that I would be fertile ground for the seed God has planted so that I can help produce a crop many times larger than was planted in me.

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So the big final Sunday is finished. 

As weird as the day was for the family and I it was also a great day. I mentioned in a previous post the peace we had been feeling about the decision and Sunday morning was no different.  While there was some emotion about leaving we were granted a great calm, certainty and excitement. My wife and I have felt that this hasn’t felt like a loss for us but a launching into something more. 

We felt blessed and loved by the congregation. You would be hard pressed to find a more generous group of people. 

Now we are moving onto our next adventure. A time of rest and transition spiritually for us as we try to determine what congregation God is leading us to worship with. We also look forward to new ministry opportunities (I’ll be sharing more about this soon).

Professionally I look forward to being devoted full time to music again. The desire to write and create is burning inside me. The desire to get back to serious practice and improvement of my playing excites me.  The only problem is with everything going on in my transition I’ve dropped the ball in a number of business areas. Don’t even ask how the new website for the studio is coming. (I imagine my designer is getting quite annoyed with my lack of help right now). I’m just hoping that after this week and the transition are totally finished I can get all the boxes checked off that I need to. I’m also hoping there is a reason (that I don’t know about) why it will be better that I waited to get all my promo stuff together. We’ll see. 

I’m also looking forward to developing this blog further. Taking it from a place that I just ramble a little about my current situation to a place where I can share bigger thoughts about life, ministry and wanting more (hey that’s the name of this blog!) of God.

Charlie

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So 2 more days till my final Sunday. I’m not feeling at all like I thought I would. I know this is the right decision and was preparing to feel a big relief when everything was finally done but also expected to feel some stress and sadness.

At the beginning of the week I was feeling a little sadness but for the last few days I have been feeling great and feeling  a tonne of peace. This is a total God thing as I usually stress and fret about things and allow things to stew inside me. There have been more and more affirmations as the week has passed and some great conversations with people about life and ministry have only helped to improve my attitude and mindset. 

My only source of stress right now as I head into the homestretch is the pressure we are feeling to come back to the church as members. We’re not leaving for another ministry position and we’re planning on staying in town so the plan all along was to take sometime away once I was finished and see how we’re feeling. However over the last two weeks we’ve begun to feel pressured to return. There have been a lot of comments (well intentioned) about how people hope we’re staying at the church after our time away.  As well intentioned as these comments may be  we really need the time away and honestly have  no idea what we’re going to do afterward. We don’t want people to get their hopes really high that we’re returning and then be disappointed and if we do come back we don’t want a big deal made of it or to feel pressured into that decision.  

In the meantime though I’m doing much better than I thought I would be. I’m sure my last day in the office (which isn’t until next Thursday) will be very weird at the least.  Fortunately my office is already cleaned out so it won’t be like I’m carrying my last box out with me.  I’d appreciate any prayers we can get at this time so we can continue doing well and that life after our transition will be everything we’re hoping it will become.

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Hi all

I just wanted to share with everyone how amazed I’ve been by God the last while. I know from my other posts I just sound bitter and grumpy but that is not the case at all. God has been blowing me away the last few weeks. 

You know when things are just clicking between you and God every little details seems to be taken care of and you always seem to have just what you need. That’s totally been happening during my time in scripture. It’s been fantastic as God has been revealing things to me just as I need them in quite a remarkable way. 

I’m in the final stretch of my job and I had no idea what this time was going to be like or how I was going to handle it. While I am kind of sad about the big change I have been enjoying a wonderful peace the last while. I’m the kind of person who can stew about things and let them build up inside of me and I was worried about becoming bitter at this time in my journey. To my amazement I’m feeling light and free right now.  Feeling like I have specific purposes each day (despite the current busyness) and that something exciting is just around the corner. This is exactly what I was hoping would happen as the weight of ministry was lifting. 

Even on a financial level. Daily my wife and I are being shown we will more than taken care of. Financial worry can often be found in our house but again the peace we are all feeling right now is incredible. 

How do I know all this peace I’m feeling right now is of God? Because I’m also feeling challenged. Each day God is showing me things in my life that need fixing or changed. I’m feeling very convicted about things as a husband, father and man in the community that I need to be doing. 

While this is a big time of change I am thankful that God is leading me through it. While there is sadness each day it is becoming clearer this is the right decision. While there are challenges I am excited about the blessings and the future to come.

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So I’m preparing for my final Sunday coming up this week. 

This past Sunday we did a big youth band. One member of the team described the size of the team as “epic”.  In my three or so years in my ministry position I think the greatest thing we’ve accomplished is the engaging of many youths in what we are trying to do in worship ministries. There is still a long way to go but some really great seeds have been planted.  Four years ago there was only a handful of youths involved and for the most part that was limited to teenage boys being stuck behind the sound board. That was the only thing the were being equipped to do and they were the only ones convinced to serve in that area. 

This past Sunday we had the youth leading the musical worship, playing all the instruments and leading all the prayers.  It was great. I had a blast being a part of it with them.

It also excited and depressed me.  It excited me because it affirmed many of the things I see that are possible for the ministry that I have been leading. It depressed me a little because I have not been able to lead it to where I think it should and could go.  

I have been very blessed in my job. As worship leading jobs go I have had it very easy. There have been a lot of changes in the last three years and there has been very little “blow up” that you hear about in other churches. Where I have struggled is that we just stopped when we got comfy. There is still so much potential and things that could be done (specifically to engage a younger generation) but not enough of a desire to push through to accomplish them.  That has added to my struggles and my decision to move on.  I want more.  I want to reach for every sky I can. Both personally and as a part of a community of faith.

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What a day so far. It is currently 2:30 in the afternoon and this is the first chance I’ve had to sit. It’s been busy. I helped some friends finish moving the last things out of their house today but other than that I have accomplished nothing important.  You know how all organizational and scheduling books tell you to prioritize things that are important not things that are urgent. That hasn’t worked today. It seems like the last few days has been about getting done a whole lot of little unimportant things. Not that little things aren’t important, just the things that I’ve had to work on have been unimportant. 

I spent a lot of time working this weekend and I spent most of that time on very little of the important things I needed to. I spent very little time with my kids (other than a really awesome sled ride on Sunday).  This is has left me wanting more (hey wait….. that’s the name of this blog) and reaffirmed my need for some big life changes. 

For those of you who are new to reading blogs and the like you might not be aware of RSS feeds. Basically the idea is you have a service or piece of software (called a feed readeer) that will automatically check this (and other RSS syndicated sites) automatically for you. Then you don’t need to try and remember everyday to look at the site for the latest updates. It will tell you when there is one.  You can either use the subsciption button on this website or enter the site name in your feed reader. 

I personally use Google Reader. I’ve been super happy with it. But then again I’m also a Google addict. I use Gmail, Google Reader, Google Notebook, Google Chrome, Google Bookmarks. I use Google Apps for my business email, calendar and docs. Google keeps my whole world in one place.  I really should be paid royalties for all the people I tell about Google stuff. Sadly…I don’t.

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