Wanting More

Well, I just finished my last day as a member of a ministry staff team. It’s been a long path since my wife and I decided it was time to step aside back in July.  I am very thankful that God provided the path that He did and that He was faithful during this long time of transition.  I’m trusting that He will continue to show us the next steps as we seek Him more and more. 

I had no idea how I was going to feel today in the office or what it was going to be like to leave. 

Today was not really different than any other day around the office. I had already emptied out my office so I wasn’t carrying boxes out with me today. I was just trying to make sure that everything that needed done got taken care of.  The only thing that made it different was knowing that it all had to be done today. I couldn’t leave anything till tomorrow.  

While I did have a few sad moments I was also reminded of a lot of the reasons this is the right decision. I was there and happy but I definitely did not feel alive doing what I was doing.  I was also reminded of a number of the reasons I wasn’t the best fit for this particular church. 

When I got home my wife and kids had hung a few balloons, banners and streamers and prepared a great celebration dinner.  I can say quite confidently that I have a very incredible wife.  

The best way to describe how I’m feeling now is tired. You know that tired after you’ve been going on adrenaline for a while and then you get a chance to stop.  I still haven’t decided what the next few days will look like. I want to get a big jump on a lot of work that needs done but I also realize I could use a little break.  I have no scheduled plans until Monday and it would be great to just hang with the kids a lot. 

Thanks for reading along with me on my journey over the last while.  Hope you’ll stick around the blog as I develop it beyond a bunch of ramblings of my transition.

I love the way God works sometimes. (I say sometimes because if we’re honest a He doesn’t always work the way we as humans  think He should, even if His way is best)  I love that no matter where we are at or how much we think we know about Him, He can make Himself new again.  I love the way the most simple passage of scripture, even if we’ve read it numerous times before can be just want we need to hear or read at the right moment. 

On my break earlier this evening I was reading Matthew 13.  It’s the parable of the farmer who planted seeds in various places. (You can read it here) In my current time of change and transition I want to be truly open to God’s leading in every aspect of my life.  I have been praying that He would lead and I’d have the courage and endurance to follow. 

Thankfully I have felt His leading. 

For the last while though I haven’t always been the best at following through to the end with everything.  It’s partly the reality of life and that I feel pulled in every direction.  It’s also partly some destructive behaviours I have  particularly the use of my time and money.  I’ve been praying for a while that God would lead me to a place where my life could be dedicated to a fewer number of things.  A wife and two kids, half time ministry position and then needing to make a living following some very ambitious artistic goals is too many irons in the fire. 

This passage in Matthew is talking about bigger things (specifically the kingdom of heaven) than my struggles but it was also a good kick in the butt. I believe my current transition is an answer to prayer. I believe that God has shown me what He wants my life to look like for the next while (He’s planted a new seed) specifically in the areas of family, career and future areas of service for the kingdom.  I feel like this passage in Matthew is God challenging me to be fertile ground. He has prepared me for these things and is leading me in this direction and I (and I believe God as well) want it to be fruitful, particularly in the area of ministry and building into the lives of others. I may be leaving  ”ministry” (paid anyway) but I feel like I am going to be able to build into the lives of many more non-believers where I’m heading professionally than I ever did working in a church.  That excites me and I pray that I would be fertile ground for the seed God has planted so that I can help produce a crop many times larger than was planted in me.

Just thought I’d share this with you. One of my favorite blogs is the Naked Pastor.

It’s just great honest stuff that I resonate with. I love today’s post  (specifically his explanation at the bottom).  Me sharing this is not a reflection of what I think about my church but part of my larger struggle with wanting to be fully alive spiritually and how the Christian world and Christian culture cause me difficulties at times. I made a reference a few weeks ago to my Christian Identity Crisis  here   and  here.

So the big final Sunday is finished. 

As weird as the day was for the family and I it was also a great day. I mentioned in a previous post the peace we had been feeling about the decision and Sunday morning was no different.  While there was some emotion about leaving we were granted a great calm, certainty and excitement. My wife and I have felt that this hasn’t felt like a loss for us but a launching into something more. 

We felt blessed and loved by the congregation. You would be hard pressed to find a more generous group of people. 

Now we are moving onto our next adventure. A time of rest and transition spiritually for us as we try to determine what congregation God is leading us to worship with. We also look forward to new ministry opportunities (I’ll be sharing more about this soon).

Professionally I look forward to being devoted full time to music again. The desire to write and create is burning inside me. The desire to get back to serious practice and improvement of my playing excites me.  The only problem is with everything going on in my transition I’ve dropped the ball in a number of business areas. Don’t even ask how the new website for the studio is coming. (I imagine my designer is getting quite annoyed with my lack of help right now). I’m just hoping that after this week and the transition are totally finished I can get all the boxes checked off that I need to. I’m also hoping there is a reason (that I don’t know about) why it will be better that I waited to get all my promo stuff together. We’ll see. 

I’m also looking forward to developing this blog further. Taking it from a place that I just ramble a little about my current situation to a place where I can share bigger thoughts about life, ministry and wanting more (hey that’s the name of this blog!) of God.

Charlie

So 2 more days till my final Sunday. I’m not feeling at all like I thought I would. I know this is the right decision and was preparing to feel a big relief when everything was finally done but also expected to feel some stress and sadness.

At the beginning of the week I was feeling a little sadness but for the last few days I have been feeling great and feeling  a tonne of peace. This is a total God thing as I usually stress and fret about things and allow things to stew inside me. There have been more and more affirmations as the week has passed and some great conversations with people about life and ministry have only helped to improve my attitude and mindset. 

My only source of stress right now as I head into the homestretch is the pressure we are feeling to come back to the church as members. We’re not leaving for another ministry position and we’re planning on staying in town so the plan all along was to take sometime away once I was finished and see how we’re feeling. However over the last two weeks we’ve begun to feel pressured to return. There have been a lot of comments (well intentioned) about how people hope we’re staying at the church after our time away.  As well intentioned as these comments may be  we really need the time away and honestly have  no idea what we’re going to do afterward. We don’t want people to get their hopes really high that we’re returning and then be disappointed and if we do come back we don’t want a big deal made of it or to feel pressured into that decision.  

In the meantime though I’m doing much better than I thought I would be. I’m sure my last day in the office (which isn’t until next Thursday) will be very weird at the least.  Fortunately my office is already cleaned out so it won’t be like I’m carrying my last box out with me.  I’d appreciate any prayers we can get at this time so we can continue doing well and that life after our transition will be everything we’re hoping it will become.